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New study highlights candidate grooming as source of election success

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April 1, 2012

The president's office isn't the only office up for a vote this year. Roughly 470 congressional seats, 80 state executives offices and 1,270 state legislative seats are also up for grabs.

Four state down ballot primary elections have already concluded. While some candidates and incumbents will be moving on to general election ballots in November, those defeated and those with upcoming primaries are tuning in to a recently released study that has most changing their campaign strategies.

On March 31, 2012, the Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc. released an analysis that seems to indicate that facial hair may become a key part of upcoming campaigns.

Initially most candidates and incumbents balked at the study, saying that it was a waste of time and that more attention should be paid to the management of campaign funds. Some of which have already been caught in controversy.

When asked about the initial response, Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc. analysts said, "We can understand how this could leave some people baffled. We were shocked at the findings. Analysts combed through hundreds of elections in the two-year study."

The comprehensive two-year study looked at campaign finance, support by various demographics and economic income brackets; education; public office background; campaign videos; and election results. The study concluded in January 2012 and does not include results from the most recent elections.

While most quickly dismissed the study, the Alabama state primary on March 13, particularly the race for the State Senate Seat in District Y has some rushing back to the organization for information as to how they can adjust their campaign strategies.

Next, Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc. and Brownley Hair Labs are scheduled to analyze all current and past facial hair styles.

District Y incumbent Sen. Harold Lock faced two challengers, Mary Sue and John Balbo. Sen. Lock, who has retained the seat for 10 consecutive years, was expected to win the primary with little to no effort. Sue, a former state representative, and Balbo, an attorney, were no challenge to Lock, according to news reports prior to the election. However, the results proved otherwise. The hair raising election came down to the very last votes and Lock was ousted from his seat. The upset sent campaign managers scrambling to identify "what went wrong?"

Immediately the Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc. went to work teasing out every detail of the race. After days and nights of analyzing, campaign managers and analysts from the organization have announced that they have come to virtually the same conclusion. Lock's mustache was no match for Balbo's beard.

This, according to the Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc., is one of many examples that confirms their research.

The Alabama race has turned skeptics into believers. Candidates and incumbents are now working with their campaign managers to apply the research to their own strategies.

"Initially I found their results hilarious. But when my approval rating dropped in February and no reasoning could be found, except for a visit to my barber where I removed my facial hair in preparation for "Mustache March" I couldn't help but wonder," said Gov. Edgar Winnfield of Pennsylvania.

The Pennsylvania primary is quickly approaching on April 24; preceded by Maryland's primaries on April 3rd.

Since the release of their research and following this most recent confirmation of the results, Hamilton A. Ingersoll Research, Inc. announced that they will be teaming up with Brownley Hair Labs to look at different facial hair styles in hopes of finding the ideal look for election gold.

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Disclaimer: This article is not based on a real study and is entirely fiction, nonfactual. This article was created for the purposes of April Fool's Day 2012.